Woody was right

Know that movie, Everyone Says I Love You by Woody Allen? No? Well, it’s a musical (very good and different one, too), and in one scene, Drew Barrymore’s character sings a lovely little song, that’s actually from 1929’s Sunny Side up. Here it goes:

“I’m a dreamer, aren’t we all
Just a dreamer, aren’t we all
In my dreams each night it seems
My sweetheart comes to call”

dreamer

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Well, stranger, these days I’ve been questioning my entire life so much that every song I hear that’s about dreams or being lost or being yourself seems to be, simply, about me. Of course, that’s the whole point with lyrics, they’re supposed to make you identify once in a while. Turns out, there’s a whole lot of songs that are about my problems.

I’m a dreamer that’s for sure. That’s basically all I do now. I get bored all the time, I get lazy, and when I start imagining another life, or when I listen to music, sing, or watch a movie, I’m okay. So I put up with it, with my life being boring. But, you know, at some point, you’re kinda bound to want those dreams to freakin’ come true! And that’s pretty much where I’m at now. I’m in the “I-gotta-get-brave-and-get-my-bottom-off-my-bed” phase. I mean, you have no idea of how much of a bloody miracle it is that I’m actually sticking to this blog thing. Of course, my bottom is still technically on my bed while writing this, but you get the metaphor. But to be honest, I’m still really scared of everything, and of officially taking control of my life, doing what I so desperately want.
And sometimes, I get really sad and freaked out that I’ll never be brave, that I’ll never get out of my boredom. For example, the other day, I was at the movies by myself, bought myself some popcorn and coke, sat in the back and waited for the movie to start. And then suddenly, I thought of Mia Farrow’s character Cecilia in The Purple Rose Of Cairo. Yeah, I’ve been whatching a lot of Woody Allen films lately, that doesn’t help the whole questioning everything about life thing. Anyway, in the movie, Cecilia is at the movie’s by herself with popcorn, in awe of the screen because that’s litterally the ONLY excitement she ever gets in her oh-so-boring life. That thought made me weep like a 9 year-old who lost her favorite Barbie. Seriously, all I could think of then was “I can’t end up like this, I’m only 20 for God’s sake. I still have time to change!”. So now I’m slowly starting to do something about it. It’s so hard. So scary. But hey, I’ll just trust Seneca, who wisely said that it’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture, it’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult. So let’s dare people!

Anyway, to end this post, here’s the scene with which I identified so much that I cried uncontrollably. It’s the final scene of the movie, so SPOILER ALERT. It’s a sad scene, but in my opinion, it shows Woody Allen’s genius in storytelling. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it, please do, that scene has so much more power in context.

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What now? Freedom.

Turns out having a blog is harder than I thought. I told myself I would write something every day, to keep myself occupied, but mostly to figure things out. But what if I don’t find something awesome to say every single day?
All right, I may be pushing it a little because, well, this is litterally my very first post. I have a few things in store I’d like to say. I guess I just want to be really good at this. You know what? I’ll just try being myself, see how that goes.

Being Yourself. Now ain’t that a luxury most people don’t even let themselves have? Which is dumb, really, because you only get one life, one shot at doing your own thing. I know what you’re gonna think now, that I’m one of those cheesy people who “seize the day” and don’t give a rat’s derriere what other people think. I’m not. But I wish I were.
I don’t seize the day, I’m not confident, I care way too much about what others think, I don’t enjoy life nearly as much as I should. I take life for granted. And that’s terrible! I know I’m not the only one, which makes it even worse. How much time do we waste on petty problems or superficial ideas? How much energy do we spend trying to fit in and be accepted by society? I get that there are certain compromises you have to make in life, but does that have to mean you have to settle for something that’s not right for you? Well, for a long time, that’s what I did. I’m still doing it, technically, but I’m on my way to getting out of that harsh reality. It’s one of the reasons I have decided to create this blog. That’s why I’m gonna try to write every day. This blog is, hopefully, going to help me figure out how to be myself and just be okay with it. Because seriously, I’ve had enough of pretending. I know I’m not the only one. If there’s anyone reading this and feeling the same, well, goddammit we need our freedom! And being ourselves, that’s true freedom– freedom of the mind.

Now I’ve got a whole lot of quotes about freedom, but here’s one that truly illustrates this post: “Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays.” (Starships Troopers)

Okay, this was the first step of a big, very big staircase. I’m gonna pretend that there’s lava and fire and knives and scary clowns behind me so I can’t go back. I will not go back. Lock and load.

lockandload

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